Apartment Living

The moment the water splashed cold upon his forehead, catching him by surprise and causing his breath to choke in his throat. He opened his eyes and looked at the ceiling above. A ceiling now dripping steadily with water.


“What now? What have you done now? Oh Fat Buffoon.” He screamed.

Springing from his reclining leather throne where he dozed. As an errant drop heavily made its mark upon the headrest where his head rested a moment before. Stomping across the floor muttering particular obscenities. The light in the kitchen off, now on with cockroaches scattering. He retrieves the broom from beside the oven.

Now back at the foot of his leather authority, broom in hand. Water continuing to take advantage of the beauty of his previous resting place he bellows.


“Oh Fatness above. What are you doing?”

Using the wooden broom handle as a lance. He bangs the plaster ceiling above his dampened head. Thump, thump, thump.

Whilst screaming “Oh dear Fatass above why do you cause such strife?



More broom now. Successful only in assisting wet lumps of plaster down upon his already wet cranium. Seething and wiping the white powdery mess from his eyes he drops the broom.



“Fatness, you have ruined me. Oh Fat One. I beseech thee. Leave me in peace” he screams.



Water, freefalling not only on his prized leather comfort but the carpeted floor as well. Heavy footsteps above. Accompanied loudly by the theme song from “Jeopardy.” Vessels of blood bulging on his once smooth scalp he bends to retrieve his wooden staff that lay at his feet. Fully intending to ascend to the second floor in order to exact full vengeance upon “The Fatness” above.

Moving across the wet floor with Jeopardy ringing throughout his brain. He opens the door and begins to climb the two flights of stained concrete steps. Since the elevator is in disrepair he is left without choice.

As he meets the second flight a wad of dearly discarded chewing gum finds its way into the soul of his shoe. Lifting is eyes toward the floor above he cries out.

“Oh Large One, Fatness from above. I know in my heart this was your doing. For you are a chewer of gum. As well as a spitter of gum once chewed. For I have seen this with my own two eyes. Oh Fatness.”



With the second flight now in the past he is greeted by the second floor. The smell of grease and foolishness assault the nostrils as he continues staff in hand along the hallway.

Now wild eyed and slightly out of breath he stands in front of the entrance to the lair of His Heaviness.

With a racing heart he pounds the staff upon the chipped and dirty gateway that leads to the beast.

Alex Trebec can be heard screaming from within the dark recesses as the volume of the television is as loud as methamphetamine induced monkeys. He bangs upon the door again and is answered by gargantuan footsteps. Footsteps so grand that they shake loose some of the dried plaster from his abused scalp.



For a moment he ponders running away. Admitting a mistake of direction perhaps, but no! The time has arrived. The Fatness will be dealt with now.

The door swings open and instantly his visual as well as olfactory senses offended. Human body odor along with funkified dietary mishaps attack.

The Fatness stands before him as if it were a Greek god that lost his way to its cathedra. Cloaked only in a yellowy stained, once white bath towel. Rolls of fat filling the crevices, straining the stitching.




He stands in misdirected awe as The Fat One blows a bubble of gum. Sending a fruity vapor into the face, further assaulting the oxygen within their proximity.



With a chubby hand resting on its bulging hip The Fat one chews its gum and lisps “Yes? Do you know you have powder on your head? Oh and by the way you are interrupting my bath.”



Almost dropping the broom he replies “Um, yes, well about your um. “ But before the sentence can be birthed The Fat One shrieks “Oh you awful man. You made my tub overflow. You are just a terrible neighbor.”

The Fat One sticks out its tongue as he slams the door in the plaster coated face of the newly recognized terrible neighbor. The Fat One now safe within its grease coated confines. Its oversized footsteps echo as it makes its way to the bathing trough.

Dropping the broom, defeat running amuck within. He retreats downward to his soaked plaster coated single apartment.