The Big Dinner

Last night was the big night. I met my fiances parents for the first time. My fiance and I have been together for over a year and are just about ready to move in together, so we thought it best to let her parents know face to face.




We chose avery nice restaurant and met her parents in the bar at about 730 pm. When we arrived her father was already drunk on Texas whiskey and her mom was chainsmoking and tapping her laquered nails on the glass table top. As we approached their little table off to the left of the whiskey bar my fiance and I were holding hands and I locked eyes with her father and I was pretty sure i saw him mouth the word (jackass)



I felt my fiances grip tighten on my hand and she whispered.



"Ignore him, he's drunk"



I nodded and smiled dumbly as I looked in her mothers direction. She smiled and waved her lit cigarette in my face.



"Well, hello there Moop. It;s so nice to see you again."



"Mother" my fiance hissed. " His name isnt Moop, its Beauregard."



"Horseshit, it's MOOP" slurred her mother.



It was obvious to me at this point that her mother had swallowed plenty of whiskey as well and I made a mental note to observe her habits and customs.



"Don't worry hon, if she wants to call me Moop. I dont care." i said. " it's all in good fun."



Her mother giggled and said " There, now thats a good chinaman."



"MOTHER!!" screamed my fiance.



Her mother and father both began cackling like trailer monkeys and screaming for more drink. Thankfully the waiter arived and we were seated near the back of the restaurant. The waiter took our drink orders and I decided to order a whiskey. The same exact whiskey that both my future in laws were guzzling at an alarming rate.



The next hour was a blur as I consumed glass after glass of southern fire water. I dont even recall ordering any food. I do however, recall snippets of conversation.





"How long have you been a Fuckin chinaman Moop?"





Does your mother always smell like this or was she groomed earlier?




" I like a woman what has a large derrier"





"My daughter has overlarge feet, but her father and I do not hold that against her."





"More whiskey bitches."







At some point there was a plate of food placed in front of me, but I didnt care. I was bonding with my future in laws and was pretty sure they were both raging alcoholics. I didn't care that my future mom in law had her lipstick smeared all over her face or that my future father in law wore a rumpled suit that smelled like piss. No none of that was important now. The only thing that mattered was strong drink and our newly formed bond.



A shortwhile later a nervous looking man in a white coat placed a glass of amber liquid in front of me. I recall trying to grab at his arms in a universal gesture of thanks and good will, but he scurried off muttering something about ugly ass amerikans, but it didnt matter because in front of me was a freshly filled jar of iced whiskey. I grabbed the glass off the table, spilling half of it on my fiances feet. I stood up with the intent to forge a toast to my new in laws.



As I raised my glass the room took on a purplish hue and tilted to the left, then the right and back to the center. I felt an odd rumbling in my stomach and was unable to form any words. Instead my bowles began speaking the international language of love. With one hand wrapped around my glass I used the other to steady myself as my insides growled and argued.





"What the hell is wrong with the chinaman?" screamed my fiances father.





"He's drunk daddy. that's whats wrong with him and its all your fault."



"Bullshit, I didnt make the chinaman drink that whiskey. Look at him, he's a mess. Lord help us all."





"Daddy! he is not a chinaman."





By this time the war in my intestines had taken on a new perspective and I was in no mood for any racial arguments. I waved my free hand in front of my new father in laws face and yelled.





"Sit down you fat bastard I have something to say."





I leaned over so that my face was inches from his and my rear end was pretty much aimed at my fiances mother. I raised my whiskey glass and was just about to invoke the toast when my intestines gave way and I unloaded one of the most savage farts in all northern amerika directly into the face of mom.





Releasing that much gas took alot out of me and I slumped against the table, knocking my father in laws glass to the floor.





"You rotten sumbitch" he screamed. " you kilt my whiskey."





" Fuck the whiskey Harold, the chinaman just shit on my head. what are you gonna do about it?" my future mother in law screamed.





My father in law tried to stand up, probably with the thought of punching my lights out, but succeeded only in falling backwards knocking over several other restaurant patrons in the process. My fiance was openly weeping and future mom in law sat in her chair unmoving. A small bead of perspiration had formed on her upper lip and her eyes had that glassy look of someone that had been shot in the face with a tazer gun.



The entire restaurant was in a state of confusion. the smell from my intestines had spread and now people were losing their minds.



" Oh dear god that man just crapped himself"



"someone call the police!!!"





"I want a refund!"





The shouting and commentary went on and on. An ambulance was called for my fiances mother who now refused to speak english instead she began chattering like a squirrel and trying to breathe through her mouth.





I decided I'd had enough of these filthy people and tried to make my way to the bar. Instead I both of my arms were pinned to my sides and I was escorted out of the building and deposited on the dirty sidewalk. The cold night air was like a slap to the face and tahts when I saw my fiance getting into a cab alone.



"Guillermina!! where the fuck are you going? I screamed.





Instead of answering she showed me the middle finger of her left hand.



"Call me!" I yelled from my supine position.





She glared at me from behind the cabs window and waved her finger at me again.





I havent heard from her in three days.